A to Z of Pedagogues

A quick guide for new teachers, or students on practical training attachment, for navigating the perilous staff room waters, with an indication of the type of wild animals that lurk there. Genders are inter-changeable.

(Note that these are not based on anyone currently on my staff, just mosaics and amalgamated parodies of some of the weird and wonderful educators I have encountered over the 30 (gulp) years since I graduated )

A
Ambitious Anthony Has his sights set on the top job. Meticulous and diligent, he has no time for fun, or people.  Connected to the union and knows the law.
Amiable Annette Sweet and caring. Notices when someone is struggling. When she retires there is a hole of generosity in the staffroom. Brings flowers.
Artful Arnold Always MIA when chairs are to be stacked; dodges break duty and cluster meetings. Often a good teacher, but is not a team player.
B
Backstabbing Barend Has one special focus – himself. Don’t tell him your secrets and watch out if you apply for the same promotion post. Boring teacher.
Bitter Betty Been passed over for promotion twice, but can’t see it’s her. Don’t speak to her before she’s had coffee or get sucked into her negativity
Brenda Brittle Cries easily; probably in the wrong profession. Can’t cope with ‘those difficult Grade 9s’/any class with learners.
C
Compassionate Connie Knows the back story to each person on campus; looks for excuses even for Granny Grumble; passes the tissues in the staffroom;
Cool Calvin Streetwise and dapper, speaks the students’ lingo; has their respect and his classes are fun  #goals
Cynical Cynthia Well-read and politically aware. Very bright. Enjoys philosophical discussions. Often teaches English or History.
D
Dodgy Duncan

 

Always has a shady side business. Don’t ask where he got that cheap perlemoen he’s selling in the staffroom.
Dramatic Daisy Makes large gestures, loud entrances and powerful exits. Stay away from her around deadline times. Children love her or hate her.
Diehard Dieter Taught staff members and their parents. Remembers when the foundation stone was laid and ‘things were better run.’
E
Eager Edgar Volunteers for everything especially when management is around. Can be annoying, but generally a good egg.
Earthchild Imogen Gets to school early because she travels from Noordhoek; eats lentils and couscous from well packed lunchbox. Has numerous degrees
Equity Esther Takes men to task for patriarchy and challenges school traditions. Feisty and smart. Removes Jo’s sexist cartoons from noticeboard.
Extra mile Emily She’s a gem – nothing is too much trouble. Can be relied on to help out without fuss. Sometimes takes on too much
F
First Year Fiona Has many faces; can be talented, almost always unprepared for the ignorance of learners; overwhelmed. Needs a mentor and/or a drink.
Fitness Fazeka Dresses in tracksuits and eats rice cakes. Disapproves of your chocolate cake and sedentary lifestyle. Runs outdoors club. Scary.
G
Granny Grumble Old before her time; fault finding and negative. Dislikes people. Do not sit on her chair or leave your Tupperware in the wrong place.
H
Hipster Hannah Spends her salary on clothes. Drives a yellow Mini Cooper; Instagrams her clubbing exploits. Too friendly with learners.
I
Iceberg Irene Watch out for this sociopath whose glacial manoevering will undermine your most innocent intentions. Resign if she is promoted.
Ignorant Ilsa Has ‘been teaching for 30 years’ and has nothing left to learn. Says she has no favourites in class. Has favourites. Never notices irony.
Incompetent Irvin Went into teaching because he couldn’t think of anything else. Makes the post office seem efficient. Complains a lot.
Inspirational Iris Is able to draw talent even they were unaware of from her students. Celebrates her charges. Humble.   Learn from her.
J
Jocular Jo The staff room clown. His jokes can be off colour, but he keeps the room from being dull; students love him because he knows his stuff.
K
Kick-ass Kallie Loud and enthusiastic. Always raring to go. Will jumpstart your car when you leave the lights on all day.
Knowledgeable Nicki Has read every book on every subject ever written and has multiple degrees. Can make you feel inadequate if you are insecure. Has cats.
L
Laidback Lwazi Nothing phases him; reads the newspaper in admin periods. Re-uses old exam papers each year if he can get away with it.
Last Minute Larry Unprepared for class. Mostly to be found at the computer when the bell rings. Panics when Photostat machine is broken
Lecherous Lenny Can’t keep his hands to himself; laughs heartily at sexist jokes. Makes a beeline for new staff.
Loskop Lottie Loses classroom keys/ textbooks/piles of scripts all the time. Better hope she is not your exam relief when you need the loo.
M
Maestro Max The Music or Art Teacher: defies description. Brilliant and popular, the kind of inspiration you’ll remember forever. Not always patient.
Moody Maureen Well-intentioned but inconsistent with her learners. Her bipolar swings are confusing. You may need help if she is your mentor.
N
Neutral Nigel No personality. Goes through motions, but doesn’t make waves. You find yourself imagining what secret life he may have. He doesn’t.
O
Old school Oliver Good teacher with great track record of results. Can be reluctant to try new technology.
P
Poisonous Pam Pammy sits with Backstabbing Barend; is no one’s friend. Knows the dirt on everyone and whispers it behind their backs. Avoid her.
Professor Pauline Very bright and an excellent staff resource. Pupils will complain she can’t explain properly. Probably should be lecturing at university.
Q
Quixotic Quintin Always driving a new cause. Can upset management and sometimes does counselling when he shouldn’t.
R
Religious Rita Devout and prayerful. Is shocked by Jo’s antics, but loves him anyway. Has the respect of everyone.
Rightwing Rene Rita’s twin sister who wields her faith like a club. Joins GG in reporting Arnold and Jo to  management and patronises the maintenance staff.
Rugged Ryan Runs up the mountain before or in between classes. Cycles to school. Hope for a view of his abs.
S
Seen-it-all Sal Jaded and uncreative. Needs a sabbatical or career-change. Can’t afford to retire.
Sissy Spoilsport Reminds staff the bell has rung. Takes the ball away from kids in the quad; warns you not to eat in workroom.Reports others for swearing.
Simon the Sociopath Outwardly charming. Tells colleagues, learners and parents what they want to hear. They wrote ‘Snakes in Suits’ about him. Not your friend.
T
Trendy Tendai Hails from Zimbabwe. Viewed with suspicion by locals and frustrates management because no EE points are possible. Fabulous clothes.
Trevor the Tyrant Instils fear in his students; is unreasonable and inflexible. Sadly all too frequently to be found in management offices.
Thor Has the loudest voice on campus, but secretly a pushover. Girls run rings around him because he doesn’t ‘get’ them.
U
Ubuntu Una Social conscience of staffroom; champions students’ right and supports important causes. Friends with Connie.
Unctuous Albert

 

Hand-wringing, arse creeping, yay-saying suck-up
V
Vocational Vuyo A natural: instinctive and born nurturer. Creative and reflective. Sometimes falls foul of Barend and Pamela. Shares his lessons.
W
When-we Winston Misses the ‘old days’ when caning was possible. Only knows middle part of anthem. Decries government. Waiting for passport for Perth.
Welcoming Winifred The first person to greet you. Ask her where it is safe to sit and how the photocopier works.
X
Xbox Exton The techno kid. This is the one to ask if your laptop is on the blink; just don’t ask about FPS or how FIFA cheats unless you have time.
Y
Yardarm Jan Hang ‘em high approach to teaching. Not interested in positive discipline. No one speaks in his class.
Z
Zany Zoliswa Free spirited; Attends all cultural festivals; Thinks outside the box; sometimes forgets there’s a marking box.
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